I first wrote about our journey through infertility almost two years ago for my friend’s blog. For the past year we have journeyed again down the same road trying for baby number two- without success. This time around has been different. I know I can become pregnant. I’m busy chasing after a 28 month old. And I amazingly have cried only once over not being able to become pregnant with number two.
As I post this again, I’m in a better place. We’re praying that The Lord would reveal His will for our family. As the Psalms say, “He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD.” Psalm 113:9
I’m hoping and praying that we will eventually go from one child to children (plural)! I’m reposting our journey because I need to. I need to remind myself of where we’ve been and how far we’ve come. And to not lose hope and trust in the One who creates life.
Here’s our story (again) of infertility:
Infertility. Even now, my heartbeat is speeding up as I remember the crazy highs and lows of our journey. Tears come to my eyes as I vividly remember how my heart ached for a baby. First, let me introduce myself. I have been married for over nine years and two years into our marriage we decided we were ready to have a baby. Little did we know that years later we would be diagnosed as having “unexplained infertility.”
We tried to conceive on our own for about three and a half years before fearfully undergoing tons of invasive fertility tests. Everything checked out okay, we went on Clomid and didn’t have any success. When we first started Clomid, which is a medicine that helps women produce more eggs, I felt like a crazy person. It gave me tremendous highs and lows and I felt out of control emotionally. We lived on a calendar, counting days and waiting until the results of my blood test to let me know if my progesterone level was high enough. Most times it wasn’t, and the minute I found out, I would throw myself across the bed and cry. Sometimes, I would pour my heart out to God and other times I’d just lie there, cry, and feel sorry for myself. I often wondered why our love was not enough to make a baby. I was especially emotional when I would find out a friend or family member was pregnant. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for them, it was just a stark reminder that I wasn’t pregnant. The slap in the face was when people complained about the aches and pains of pregnancy.
We went to a fertility specialist and underwent IUI’s (intrauterine insemination) throughout the course of a year. Talk about invasive! More Clomid, painful shots, uncomfortable ultrasounds, insemination, and then holding my breath for two weeks waiting to find out the results…negative. Always a negative pregnancy test. By the time we were halfway through our IUI’s, I was numb. I felt sad when I found out I wasn’t pregnant, but then, just like that, I started my meds again and we were trying again. I found it hard to talk about our infertility at times and at other times I was an open book. It just depended on my mood and where we were in our trying.
I found an e-mail I sent to my mother just before we started our last try. I had just found out I wasn’t pregnant and couldn’t bring myself to call her and tell her because I knew I would fall apart.
Here’s my e-mail:
Fertility update: I got my period this morning. I have bad cramps and can’t seem to get motivated to get out of the house. Emotionally, I’m ok. Not great but not bad. I was pretty sad last night and felt like I was mourning the absence of life in my womb. I normally get a teeny bit sad and then move on. I’ve become so numb to the negative pregnancy tests. I think it just hit me that I might not get pregnant. When I finally prayed and laid it down at Jesus’ feet, I felt so much better and lighter. We want God’s will for our lives, but I guess I always assumed I would eventually get pregnant. Anyway, R told me last night that he thinks we should try one last time, but that he is excited about starting the adoption process and that is on his heart. That was good for me to hear. God’s plan isn’t always easy, but I know He will sustain me. Thanks for praying for us! I start my meds on Sunday, so just like that we begin the fertility process again. I hope I didn’t sadden you with these details. It helped me to just get it out and talk (type!) about it. I wanted you to know, but I don’t feel like talking about it on the phone. It’s just easier this way for me. I don’t want to hear my mom’s voice and start crying. Love, E
We started to research adoption because we thought maybe the Lord was calling us to that. We were on our very last try and we were waiting for the dreaded monthly, when my husband insisted I take a pregnancy test so we could know and move on. I was so scared to take that test because it meant giving up. We weren’t going to try anymore. This was it. We were tired of the emotional roller coaster. I was tired of trying, tired of the doctor’s visits, tired of getting my hopes up only to have them crushed.
I took the test and could not believe it when I saw the faintest second line. I screamed for my husband and he said he thought he saw a second line. Tears started streaming down our faces and I called the nurse. A few hours later a blood test confirmed that WE WERE PREGNANT!
We prayed and thanked God for this miracle baby. We longed for this for six years! I clung to this bible verse during the last year of trying to conceive and throughout my pregnancy:
“I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.”
1st Samuel 1:27
Now that was true for me! We rejoiced that our prayers were answered.
On November 28, 2010, I gave birth to a beautiful, tiny, 5 lbs 6.8 oz baby girl named Sarah Grace and she is our joy, our precious gift from God. We named her Sarah, for like Sarah in the Bible, we waited a long time for our child. And Grace, because by the grace of God, we made it through our battle with infertility.
Do you have a friend or family member who is struggling with infertility? Ask her if she wants to talk about it. Respect her silence if that’s how she is dealing with it. Tell her you’ll pray for her. Love her. Hug her. Be there for her. Be a shoulder for her to cry on, because she needs one. But please don’t ignore it. I think loved ones don’t know how to deal with this and don’t know what to say. There’s really nothing you can say to ease the aching heart of a woman who’s trying to get pregnant and hasn’t. But I can tell you this, God is faithful and He will see you through it. He blessed me with a beautiful child and carried both my husband and me through this long and emotional trial called infertility.