Letting Go of our Maybe Baby

If you are a follower of this blog, Blessed Little Family, you know that my faith shapes my views.

If you have followed my posts, you know that we have battled infertility– twice, yet we only beat it once. We have moved multiple times for the Huzz’s career. We live with life threatening food allergies. I pretty much, for some reason, have decided to just lay it all out here for the entire world to see.

After writing “Be At Rest Once More”, I have felt so much peace. (Oh, I still have my moments, but mostly I have been in a really good place.) Since then, The Lord has been moving in my heart and in our lives. We’ve decided to let go of some major things. Some I’m not ready to share yet.

One thing we decided to let go of was stuff for our “maybe baby.” By stuff, I mean a ton of baby items we used with SG: changing table, all of her beautiful baby clothes, baby toys, bumbo, swing, etc. That doesn’t sound very meaningful, but it is. It was not easy. But it has been freeing.

I feel like if I’m truly trusting in The Lord and trying to be CONTENT WITH WHAT I HAVE, then I don’t need to hang on to baby stuff I just don’t need. It’s only a REMINDER of the second child I DON’T HAVE.

We have decided if The Lord chooses to bless us with another child, we will JOYFULLY start again with everything we need. It will be pure bliss to shop for another miracle baby, IF that is what The Lord wills for our family.

For now, I will:

“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for The Lord has been good to you.”
Psalm 116:7

I continue to hold onto this verse and seek contentment in all of the wonderful blessings The Lord has given me.

I am blessed, indeed.

Yes, very much so.

Worn

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“I’m tired
I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing…”

That’s the beginning of yet another wonderful and soul baring song by Tenth Avenue North. Have you heard it? Here’s a few more verses from the song Worn:

“And my prayers are wearing thin.
I’m worn, even before the day begins…”

Ever feel that way? I know I do. Not all the time. Just sometimes. Sometimes when life feels extra hard, I feel worn down.

Like this morning. Trying to decide if I should let SG eat a small piece of Sara Lee bread. I called and spoke to a manager. The bread is processed on a line that also processes milk, but not made directly after a milk product. And the line is cleaned thoroughly after each product. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. I stressed so much over this decision. I felt worn. In a tizzy. As I was sitting there, at 7:30 this morning, this song came on through K-Love. I feel The Lord gives me the right songs at just the right moments. They calm me and remind me that The Lord is in control. When I’m worn, I sometimes loose sight of that. (If you are reading my blog for the first time, my toddler is EXTREMELY allergic to milk and introducing new foods is a source of stress and anxiety for me.)

Then I started thinking about other areas of my life (infertility) and the lives of my friends and family. This song can apply to all of us in some way. We all get a little worn. Sometimes “even before the day begins.”

I’m reminded of the verse that touched me so deeply a few weeks ago.

“Be at rest once more, O my soul, for The Lord has been good to you.”
Psalm 116:7

This verse has been repeated silently so many times in my mind in the last few weeks. When I feel envy, sorrow, anxiety and just plain worn down.

This is not intended to be a sad post. Here’s the best part… The Lord can give you rest. Psalm 91 tells us “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart… ‘Because he loves me,’ says The Lord, ‘I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him'” (verses 4, 14-15.)

You must only believe that He died for your sin. Him for you. Call upon him.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
John 3:16-17

That is my hope. My rest. My Jesus.

“Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn”
Worn by Tenth Avenue North

What about you, my friend? Are you worn? I’m feeling much better now than this morning. Talks with a great friend, reflection of these scriptures and prayer, reminding myself of my blessings rather than my struggles… it has all refreshed me. I’m once again ready to be at rest.

Whatever you’re dealing with: infertility, family problems, life threatening food allergies, a frightening diagnosis- I hope that you find rest in the One who created you and loves you. He’s waiting for you to turn to Him.

Be at Rest Once More

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I need to keep reminding myself of some things. The Huzz has a good job and I’m blessed to stay home. My cup runneth over. I have my long awaited, long prayed for miracle baby. My cup runneth over. I have a Savior who died for me. Him for me. My cup runneth over.

I have been praying lately over baby number two. Should we go back to the fertility doctor? We tried already off and on for over a year for number two without success. We stopped trying with fertility procedures late last fall. Should we move onto adoption? Should we just be content with our life as it is? Neither the Huzz or I have felt a peace about which direction to take. So, we have just been waiting.

Last week, I found this verse in the Psalms and I read it all week. I just kept coming back to it.

“Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for The Lord has been good to you.”
Psalm 116:7

Thank you Lord. He has been SO good to me. Perhaps it’s time for me to be content with what The Lord has given to me. A Huzz who adores me, a beautiful child, a beautiful home, two loving families, wonderful friends… And on and on…

A few evenings ago, the Huzz and I sat outside in chairs watching SG go up our two front stairs and hop down each one, with such a happy and triumphant look on her little face. I had tears in my eyes watching her. I told the Huzz that I was so happy watching her and I remembered back to when I wondered if we would ever have a child of our own. Would I ever get to experience pregnancy? Or would I always eye round pregnant bellies and try to smile and not feel envy? Would I ever get to watch my child play?

As much as I want another child (and I would be lying if I said I didn’t), I think it’s time to completely and totally surrender this to The Lord. I’m ready to “be still” and know that God has this! He does. And of course, all along I’ve known this. And I believe it. And know it’s time to live it.

Here’s more of Psalm 116, with a little skipping around:
“I love The Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy…
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of The Lord…
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion…
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for The Lord has been good to you.”
Verses 1, 3b-5, 7

A few hours after I wrote this, I was driving and heard this song. I knew I had to come back and add the lyrics to this post. It’s a song by Casting Crowns. Already There. Here it is:

From where You’re standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands

Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan

When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You’re already there

He has heard my cry, captured each and every tear through every trial and has seen me through my entire life. It’s time to be at rest once more. My cup runneth over.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares The Lord,’plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.'”
Jeremiah 29:11